I was eating a watermelon and feta salad the other day and thinking about my total willingness to eat foods that I'm not crazy about. I can't throw away food. I have to finish everything, even if I made a regretful decision. Also, I just flat out choose to eat bad food a lot. Sometimes I eat Triscuits and mayonnaise late at night. Even when food's good, I fuck it up by not knowing when to stop. I have lost entire days by eating too much barbeque when I know I have things to do. At this point, I think I know bad food more than I know good food. I cooked bad food for a long time. I cooked in restaurants I didn't respect while serving dishes I knew were bad. It resulted in a strange fascination with the mediocre. I'm fascinated about why we don't eat bad food, and why we're so judgmental about people who do. I would love to see the person – hungry on a sad, drunk, and lonely night, who earlier this year lampooned Donald Trump for eating a well done steak with ketchup – ravaging through their cupboards looking for the perfect snack, and when they don't find it, settling for some cold cheese and bread with mustard. I announce foolishly that if somebody served me an overcooked steak, I would eat it. Now's probably a good time to tell you that I get sick a lot. I got food poisoning at a restaurant in Austin once and went back the next week because I thought they deserved a second chance. Point is, I'll eat almost anything terrible if I'm hungry enough, but recently I had a very hard time finishing a watermelon and feta salad.
My main complaint about the watermelon and feta salad is that the cheese gets juicy. Say that out loud. "The cheese is juicy." Oh no, right? Watermelon is, what, 92% water? That's like if you poured some feta cheese in your Brita pitcher. Feta by itself? Wonderful. For me, salty cheeses are the best cheeses. Feta sold out and went pop in the last 20 years for sure, but it's still very good even when it's produced by some made up farm and sold at a grocery store that has birds flying through the aisles. Solo watermelon? Mamma mia, few foods in their natural state are as enjoyable and comical as eating a watermelon. It's a cartoon fruit. A classic. Spitting seeds everywhere is a great activity if you're a problem child. Watermelon and feta together? It feels like an arranged marriage. Neither watermelon nor feta seem happy. The popularity of the watermelon and feta salad is troublesome. What's really going, here? What politician benefits from putting these two together? Who had the most to gain from the death of summer salads? I apologize if this takes a gross turn, but the two in my mouth at the same time, quite frankly, felt like eating ass. To be clear, I'm not saying it tastes like ass; I don't think that watermelon and feta salad bears any likeness in flavor to a butthole. It just feels like it. Does that make sense? Probably not. OK, let me explain, and don't walk away.
If somebody asked you to eat their butthole and you said no, well, you're a bad person. I just picture you discarding tomatoes and olives from your plate saying, "Ew, gross! Things have to be the way I want them always!" I also get why you wouldn't want to. It's definitely not the first thing I look forward to during sex. It's fine. You do it because you love somebody. It's like picking up a friend from the airport. It's only a big deal if you make it one. Oh, and the people that love eating ass and talk about it constantly? They are also full of it. There's a little bit of projection there. You don't have to say you love it. Yeah yeah, we get it, Andrew Zimmern. You eat bugs. I'm not saying it can't be enjoyable. You should feel good and be happy about doing anything that makes another person cum for Christ's sake. But, the people that talk about how much they enjoy it and now everyone is doing it because it's trendy, well partner, now we're talking about watermelon and feta salad.
Here's what I'm saying: Don't believe the hype. It's good, not great. You should eat it if it's there or if somebody's serving it to you. You should also smile and say how great it is so that the other person feels OK about themselves. But, it's got some problems. Everybody will tell you what food is "epic" or what is "essential" but sometimes food is just OK, and that's fine.
Also, the watermelon and the feta together does kind of taste like somebody's sweaty butthole after they went jogging.